Daniel Bates
  • Home
  • Blog
  • Podcast
  • Videos
  • Books
  • Schedule an Appointment
  • Speaking Engagements
  • Home
  • Blog
  • Podcast
  • Videos
  • Books
  • Schedule an Appointment
  • Speaking Engagements

Blog

HomeDomestic Violence and AbuseWhat I Wish Abused Women Understood

What I Wish Abused Women Understood

by Daniel Bateson 22 June 2015in Domestic Violence and Abuse, Family Issues, Marriage, Premarital Couples, Relationships, Self-Help One comment

This article was originally published on FamilyShare.com, which you can find here. 

As a therapist, I’ve worked with dozens of abused women and children. Here is what I want abused women to understand.

I’m a therapist who has worked with women, children, even abusers, in domestic violence and abuse (DVA) situations. These are never easy families to work with. Often I walk away from sessions feeling hopeless, and scared for the victims’ safety — but not for the reason that you think.

I don’t feel that hopelessness because the situation truly has no solution. And I don’t feel this way because the abuser really has all the power.

I feel this way because abused women fail to understand something absolutely vital:They fail to recognize that they are not powerless! They are not worthless, and do not deserve the treatment they are getting. What is happening to them is unequivocally wrong! And most importantly, they are not at fault for the abuse they are receiving! But unfortunately, abused women don’t understand this.

They have bought into the lies that their abuser has given them; they believe they are the cause of their mistreatment. They believe they are lucky to have anyone show them attention, so they better be grateful for what they have, even though he abuses them. They think they are weak, powerless, unintelligent, and shouldn’t bother family and friends with their problems.

An Abused woman is controlled to the degree that she buys her abuser’s lies.

This next part might be hard to swallow. In order to take back your life, you have to take responsibility for your part in believing his lies. Your abuser has crossed the line so many times you’ve lost count. He’s lied, cheated, hit, cursed and abused. You know, deep down, you should have left a hundred times by now, but you didn’t. You didn’t because you rationalized, minimized and falsely believed you were powerless.

Yes, he should not have done those things. Those things were wrong. And yes, you need to take responsibility for the mental and emotional gymnastics you did to justify staying or not standing up to him. I write this last part with a massive degree of empathy because I know women often stay and don’t stand up for themselves because they are afraid of punishment, their kids being attacked, and being physically barred from leaving — but they are receiving unfair punishment by staying.

So please do not misunderstand what I say. I am not blaming the victim. I want women to feel empowered. And I think the only way to do that is by rightly identifying the abuser’s actions as wrong; identifying the lies women believe as exactly that — lies. Women must start thinking strategically of how to leave, how to protect themselves and their kids, stand up to their abuser, and to understand their part in accepting the abuser’s lies that they are powerless, among many other lies.

I’ve worked with so many women to whom I’ve asked simple questions, like, “Have you called Child Protective Services (CPS)? Have you called the police? Have you tried to leave? Are there people you trust and can stay with? Do you have a safety plan?” Often they look at me bewildered, because these questions have never come into their mind. And this is because they never considered that they could change their situation. But you can change your situation.

As you can imagine, working with women and children in DVA situations is an uphill battle. But the ones I’ve been successful with have over time made small changes to regain power. And this is how they did it:

  • Rejecting the lie that I am powerless.
  • Reestablish ties with family and friends.
  • Share your story.
  • Make a plan.
  • Gather supporters and allies for you, not combatants against the abuser.
  • Make small successive changes.
  • On average it takes an abused woman seven attempts before she successfully leaves the home. So keep trying!
  • No longer make excuses for your abuser.
  • Stop rationalizing domestic violence and abuse. It is wrong and it needs to stop.

I hope this article gives you courage and empowerment. Thousands of women have learned how to stand up to their abusers or left the situation. They made it, and so can you!

Know that what he is doing is wrong. You do not deserve abuse! It is not normal. Relationships are built on trust, love and self-sacrifice; not selfishness, violence and manipulation.

Understand that it is a reality that some people don’t change. Stop believing the lie that you are powerless — you are stronger than you think!

I realize that women are not the only victims of domestic violence and abuse. However, women are primarily the targets of DVA at the hands of men. If this were not historically and statistically true, I would address this differently. Sadly, men are usually the perpetrators of DVA. I do fully acknowledge that there are other situations, such as women abusing men, among others. Advice in this article can apply to those situations as well. Domestic violence and abuse is wrong and should never be tolerated. Be willing to call the cops or proper authorities. There is help. Be willing to take it.

Share this article
0
0
0
0
Tags: Abuse, Abused Women, DVA, Marriage, Relationships

Written by Daniel Bates

Daniel is a licensed therapist who primarily works with teens and families in the juvenile justice system in addition to having extensive experience with addicts. He has two masters in counseling and theology. In the future, he plans on applying to PhD programs. He is also an aspiring writer. In his spare time, Dan loves to write, paint and podcast.

previous article

The Reason Your Marriage Will Last One Year

next article

Can an Affair Actually Improve Your Marriage?

One Comment Published

Ben Allen
written on 2 July 2015 - Reply

You probably already know this, but just to make sure I thought I would say that, when it comes to any form of torment not just abuse, but when your working through an issue like that, no matter how difficult a conversation is getting or how you feel afterwards, that you make sure to always match giving the person wisdom on what to do, in that situation (whatever it may be), as you are being caring and understanding. And if you ever get into a situation where you just don’t know what else to say, just fall back on being caring and supporting, instead of saying something that you are not very sure of will help. the reason why I say that, is because sometimes just doing that can give the person encouragement what to do, whatever the wise thing is to do, on their own. I know that as someone who does their best to give people advice a lot, that it can get very discouraging when you are trying to communicate the wisdom you know can help the person, and they just don’t feel like they can confide in that wisdom (trust it). I have read a few of the articles that you have wrote, (I probably will read more soon) and I know that you are a very wise person, however I know that even really wise people can get discouraged and make mistakes, so I just wanted to encourage you by saying that, (I hope it helped) and to keep up the great work you have been doing, (because believe me, I can tell that you have been doing a lot of great work!)

Leave a Comment

Cancel reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Follow Dan

Recent Posts

  • 5 Keys to Happiness
  • I Really Don’t Know Why I Do Couples Counseling When This Video Exists
  • Family Crisis Guidebook Now Available!
  • 8 Ways to Regulate Your Emotions
  • The Monkey On Your Back: 10 Ways to Overcome Social Anxiety

Recent Comments

  • Yonas belete on The 5 Characteristics and Benefits of Assertiveness
  • Scott on 5 Keys to Happiness
  • Daniel Bates on Gifts For Seniors To Help Their Health
  • raised toilet seat on Gifts For Seniors To Help Their Health
  • Daniel Bates on 9 Rules of Fair Fighting

Archives

  • February 2019
  • September 2018
  • August 2018
  • March 2018
  • December 2017
  • November 2017
  • August 2017
  • July 2017
  • March 2017
  • January 2017
  • December 2016
  • November 2016
  • October 2016
  • September 2016
  • August 2016
  • July 2016
  • April 2016
  • March 2016
  • November 2015
  • October 2015
  • September 2015
  • July 2015
  • June 2015
  • May 2015
  • March 2015
  • February 2015
  • January 2015
  • December 2014
  • November 2014

2017 © Copyright All Rights Reserved | Daniel Bates