Some parents think there is no alternative to shaming their kids in order to discipline, modify behavior and motivate them to change. However, shame is an ineffective discipline strategy at best. At worst, it causes developmental damage to your child, demotivates, and hurts your relationship with them. This is not just a statement based on my personal perspective. Many mental health professionals in the field of psychology agree that shaming a child only damages their development. Studies show that it is ineffective at changing bad behavior and motivating good behavior. And, in my clinical experience, I’ve seen shaming backfire in the face of many parents who use it as their parenting strategy. Shaming creates power struggles between parents and kids. Over time, kids rebel. Kids lose respect for their parent. And kids feel defeated. In short, shaming doesn’t work.
Men commonly believe that their two main roles when it comes to marriage and family is to be a protector and a provider. Yes and no. Men are to be providers. Of course, no controversy there. You are supposed to contribute to your family. More and more these days women work too. So, it doesn’t matter who makes the most money, but make sure you are contributing. However, “contributing” restricted to just $$$. Contribute in other ways like decision making, family time, invest in your marriage. Put yourself out there, don’t just demand from your wife and family.
Men are to be protectors. Again, most men wouldn’t argue with this statement. Our culture, most men and frankly most women would agree that men should protect their wives, kids, extended family and community. But doesn’t protection extended itself only to the physical realm? Are men supposed to be protectors in other ways? Shouldn’t men be protective of their marriages? Meaning, men shouldn’t be investing themselves physically, sexually and emotionally in relationships outside of marriage.
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Let’s be honest. Parenting is hard. From the moment children take their first breaths, parents are faced with decisions and choices that no manual could ever fully explain. And the way you parent is constantly changing: babies need protection, toddlers need direction, and teens need influence. We as parents are simply expected to do it and do it well.
From two therapists who have a combined 25 years of experience working with families comes a new kind of parenting book. This book doesn’t focus on technique, a discipline scheme or parenting style. This book focuses on the parent themselves, specifically the kind of thinking that makes parents effective or ineffective. This book is an SOS help for parents! In When Parenting Backfires examines 12 thinking errors commonly made by parents. In each chapter Dan and David:
This article was originally published on FamilyShare.com which you can find here.
When was the last time you witnessed true joy?
For me, it started with a gorgeous summer day. The sun was shining, and the wind was blowing. My daughter was sitting in her stroller pointing out different objects, telling me all about them in her baby gibberish (she just turned one-year- old). Just as we started down a hill, I heard this hysterical laughter coming from behind me. I looked around to see a mom riding her bike with her daughter riding on a bike attachment behind her. She was laughing hysterically as they flew down the hill. I broke out in laughter myself. And then the thought hit me, I’ve ridden down hills on my bike hundreds of times, but for that little girl, that was probably her first time.
Are children born with a sense of right and wrong or are they taught?
Like most other developmental areas in children, moral development also progresses in stages. But the awareness of justice, discomfort, guilt, conscience, and prosocial behaviors cannot be reduced to simple incremental progression, although the tool of stages gives us a fixed point from which to look.